My New Speed Boat

Those local Gold Coast fishermen must be really stupid. They sold me the best speed boat in the whole world and they only charged me HK$50,000. It's got the worlds most advanced engine and the handling is fantastic. But, some of my work colleagues say that because it is the same as the blue fishing boats that zip along at 50 knots in Hong Kong waters, that it can only go in a straight line and can't turn for poo. Since an accident this year with the same style boat overturned in calm waters at speed and 2 people drowned at Chinese New Year. What do they know eh? I know everything!

My Day Off Sick (apologies to Ferris Bueller)

Having left the office a good 2 hrs early, after a days hard websurfing for a new radio for my motorised bathtub, and telling everybody how my boat, The Quake, was "hardly scratched" during the typhoon. I just had to dump on my work colleagues that little bit more by telling them I did not feel well, and that I would probably be sick the next day. Hee hee!

They bought it, hook line and sinker. The next day, my "sick" day, I spent having a beer around the Gold Coast - ho, ho, ho. But, little did I know my joy was short lived. Because I was spotted at the boozer laughing and joking.

Now I look like a prize prat.

Weddings - Great for Photos of Women

Recently one of my daughters gave me a wonderful gift. A wedding! No, not mine - hers. Confused? Let me explain. As a middle aged man, I like nothing better than ogling young ladies. In particular the wives, friends and girlfriends at my daughters wedding. I am quite expert at taking cleavage shots, while pretending to be slightly inebriated. My wife is clueless as to my photographic quest, and thinks I am just being friendly - while I have my15 megapixel, 10mm, fisheye lens shoved into our nearest and dearest's chest.

The best part is looking at the pictures at work with my 'mates' and impressing them with my artwork. Though actually they think I'm an idiot, and find it extremely offensive to see their own wives exposed in such a way. Oh well, there's no pleasing everybody, eh?